


Miserable At Best

by thenewnationalanthem (moxielovesshipping)



Series: Senses [3]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Aftermath, Ambiguous Relationships, Angst, Depressing, Depression, Falling In Love, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Torture, Kissing, M/M, Sad, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Notes, bridges
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-18
Updated: 2017-06-18
Packaged: 2018-11-15 13:07:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11231640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moxielovesshipping/pseuds/thenewnationalanthem
Summary: Mark finally knows where he belongs, and Jack can accept that.





	Miserable At Best

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so I know my stuff has been depressing but after I finish this series i have one more 10 chapter fic for you! So, notes. 
> 
> -Mark was tortured and sexually assaulted at The Institution.  
> -When he escaped, he fell in love with Jack, whom he didn't remember from his childhood.  
> -Jack wants to jog his memory, but Mark mistakes it as Jack forcing him back to his old mindset.  
> -Jack was given the small booklet of notes and drawings the day Mark took his life, and he won't let it go.

 

 

 

_Sometimes I stand on the ledge without you, wondering how I got so lucky._

 

 

 

_It's been a year since I met you, and I'm still no closer to knowing him._

 

 

 

_I feel like a child, waiting on Santa to bring him presents, but never seeing him because he doesn't exists._

 

 

 

_Instead, the cold reality hits you that it's all a lie to make you happy, to make you smile, to blend you in. I still stand here waiting on my gift, because I'm too weak to take it myself._

 

 

 

_When I'm without you though, I feel as if I'm somewhere else, back in a room with metal cups and padded walls._

 

 

 

_Gags of all shapes and sizes, and crimson red lips that violate mine so easily. I had come to grips with the fact that I loved you, and she so easily took it all away with a charismatic smile, and a voice like barbed wire._

 

 

 

_It suffocated you like rope, and choked you until you complied._

 

 

 

_Or maybe that was just her hands._

 

 

 

_I thought very hard as I wrote these for you, because I never wanted your pity._

 

 

 

_I wanted your love and affection, your support and perfection. I felt like any moment you would walk right through me, blowing me off as the air in the sky, nothingness and meaningless._

 

 

 

_I wrote three notes because you mean too much for one._

 

 

 

_One to thank you for everything you've done._

 

 

 

_One to tell you I love you in every way I can._

 

 

 

_And one to apologize for what I'm about to do as I hold this gun, loaded with all my regrets and memories against my head in hopes I'll get them back._

 

 

 

_The metal against my skin is cold, nothing like your touch in late nights where I lose myself back in white floors and tiles._

 

 

 

_Nothing like the warmth of your laugh around me, the heat radiating from your smile._

 

 

 

_It's unforgiving, unwanted, violating my body in the most inhumane ways possible._

 

 

 

_It's what a person like me deserves._

 

 

 

_And I wish, I do, that I could say I wanted you to feel what I feel._

 

 

 

_I could never wish death upon you, even in the most dire of circumstances._

 

 

 

_You are like an immortal law, a gorgeous flaw in the world, that without it, it would implode._

 

 

 

_The blood on these letters is not intentional, I tried to be as mess free as possible._

 

 

 

_I told him I didn't want you to know, but he insisted that you did. You meant_ _alot_ _to us, to him, to her, to them._

 

 

 

_You were the center of a story that revolved around your being, and you never even knew._

 

 

 

_I thought back on the day that_ _Hailee_ _brought me to The Institution, kicking and screaming with pain and confusion._

 

 

 

_The look of sorrow on her face as she said her goodbyes, her soft lips like yours on my skin as my tears rained._

 

 

 

_Unbearable._

 

 

 

_Maybe that was the term for it._

 

 

 

_Unbearable, like today, leaving you._

 

 

 

_I know who I am now, because of you, and he knows too._

 

 

 

_I will be whoever you want me to be Jack, dead or alive._

 

 

 

_So I sit here on our ledge, staring down at the empty roadway as a soundtrack to my death._

 

 

 

_I'll shoot three bullets because I_ _am too deserving of more than one._

 

 

 

 

 

_One for me, the broken psyche._

 

 

 

_One for him, the broken dream._

 

 

 

_And one for you, the center of it all._

 

 

 

_I'd love to stay with you longer, but I know you can live without me._

 

 

 

_Though without you, I am miserable at best._

 

 

 

_-Your Love, Mark._

* * *

 

 

 

"I still don't...I don't get..." Jack sobs, latching onto the little booklet of notes and drawings that was left for him, tightly held in Mark's hand even after death, smeared with blood and pain. His name and number had been scrawled in the front of it, along with a set of lyrics Jack had recognized from Mark's phone.

 

 

 

_"You're all that I hoped I'd find in every single way, and everything I would give is everything you couldn't take. Nothing feels like home, you're 1000 miles away. And the hardest part of living is just taking breaths to stay."_

 

 

 

He sobbed for awhile more, just sitting next to Mark's gravestone, head laying against it as he repeated himself time after time.

 

 

 

"Why...why...why?"

 

 

 

He could almost hear Mark's answer, barely above a whisper, floating through the gentle breeze. But he knew it was only in his mind, because that's where Mark lived now.

 

 

 

As much as he hated to admit it, he loved it there the most. In the middle of the graveyard, in the dark of the night, hugged up in one of his long sleeved shirts and Mark's blankets, falling asleep on the dirt below him.

 

 

 

He could live without Mark, that would be no problem.

 

 

 

But without Mark, he was miserable at best.

 

 


End file.
